Wherefore Art Thou Raccoon?

THE RACCOONS FAN FICTION

WHEREFORE ART THOU RACCOON?

Written by Stephen Ricketts & Jacob Turner

The Raccoons © Evergreen Raccoons Marketing Inc
Michelle Raccoon © Michelle Raccoon


EVERGREEN FOREST: EVERGREEN ELEMENTARY
Bentley and Penny were sitting at desks at class. Mr. Knox's nephew Bonnerville rushed in and sat down at the desk in front of Bentley and Penny.
BONNERVILLE: 'Hey guys. Did you hear the news? Miss Primrose is sick today.'
BENTLEY: 'What's so great about that?'
BONNERVILLE: 'Nothing, except we get a substitute teacher.'
PENNY: 'But who?'
They heard a car arrive outside, followed by the engine stopping. They saw the driver getting out the car, from the school window. It was a beaver, wearing a grey suit.
BENTLEY: 'Oh no, it's Mr. Perkins.'
BONNERVILLE: 'Mr. Perkins? What's wrong with him?'
PENNY: 'Well, since you're sitting in the front seat, and in front of the teacher's desk, you'll find out why.'
BONNERVILLE: 'If you two are trying to scare me, it's not working.'
Mr. Perkins walked into the classroom and stood before the students, who were all talking with each other.
MR. PERKINS: 'Pipe down people people please!'
As he spoke, he spat, on Bonnerville.
BONNERVILLE: (to Bentley and Penny) 'Thank you for warning me about Mr. Spits-a-lot!'
MR. PERKINS: 'Today, we shall learn about William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. A tragic tale about two lovers, who's parents hate each other. But first, I shall take attendance.'
As Mr. Perkins took attendance, Bentley and Penny looked at each other, with the "Romeo and Juliet" theme playing.
MR. PERKINS: 'Mr. Bentley Raccoon? Mr. Bentley? Mr. Bentley?'
BONNERVILLE: (to Bentley) 'Answer him!!!'
Penny and Bentley snapped out of their daydream.
BONNERVILLE: 'Please don't make him say your name again!'
BENTLEY: 'Oh sorry. I'm here, Mr. Perkins.'
PENNY: 'Me too, Mr. Perkins.'
MR. PERKINS: 'That's great, Miss Penny. But I have not pronounced your name yet, so please be patient and wait until your turn.'
As Mr. Perkins spoke, Bonnerville shielded his face with his arms, trying to ovoid Perkins' spit.
MR. PERKINS: 'Okay, next is Miss Penny Raccoon. Miss Penny?'
PENNY: 'Right here.'
MR. PERKINS: 'Excellent. Now, my name is Mr. Perkins. That's Perkins with a P, which stands for other things like Pickles, and Pipes, and even Pizza, and even Patience starts with a P.'
AARDVARK KID: 'Excuse me, Mr Perkins. I desperately need to go to the bathroom.'
MR. PERKINS: 'Okay, go.'
The aardvark got up and ran off.

THREE O CLOCK IN THE AFTERNOON
School finished, and the kids ran out.
BONNERVILLE: (brushing spit off of him) 'That teacher is such a pain in the…!'
BENTLEY: 'I know what you mean, Bonnerville.'
PENNY: 'And he said Miss Primrose might be back tomorrow.'
BONNERVILLE: 'Well, he had better be.'
PENNY: 'Hey Bentley, you know what upset me more than our substitute teacher?'
BENTLEY: 'What's that?'
PENNY: 'Romeo and Juliet. It was sad seeing their families fighting each other, and not caring about their kids seeing each other.'
BENTLEY: 'It's just a story. At least things like that won't happen in real life.'
PENNY: 'You're right. Wanna walk me home?'
BENTLEY: 'Sure.'

PENNY'S HOME
Bentley and Penny walked up to another tree based house.
BENTLEY: 'Well, here we are. Your home. Is that a note attached to the door?'
Penny saw the note.
PENNY: (picking up the note) 'It is. My parents must have left it there for me. (Reads the note) Penny, we've gone to George Raccoon's home. See you there. Signed Mom and Dad.'
BENTLEY: 'They're at my home?'
PENNY: 'Looks like it. Might as well walk you to your home (giggles).'
BENTLEY: (blushing) 'Yeah, my home.'

THE RACCOONS' HOME
Bentley and Penny arrived, and found a note attached to their door.
BENTLEY: 'Another note? What is this, a scavenger hunt? (Reads the note) Bentley and Lisa. We have gone to the Blue Spruce Cafe with Margaret and Lawrence. Signed Mom and Dad.'
PENNY: 'Okay, next stop, the Blue Spruce Cafe.'

BLUE SPRUCE CAFE
Bentley and Penny arrived and saw their parents sitting at a table.
GEORGE: 'Hey Bentley. Glad you could make it.'
NICOLE: 'I sought it was time we got to know Margaret and Lawrence.'
MARGARET: 'That's right, Penny.'
LAWRENCE: 'We were just talking about our hobbies.'
PENNY: 'You mean like your baking job, Dad?'
LAWRENCE: 'That's right. I work at the restaurant in the village just ten miles out of the Evergreen Forest. Hey George, I forgot to ask. Do you have a job at a restaurant?'
GEORGE: 'Actually, I have a job at Knox TV. I am the host of "Chef Surprise".'
LAWRENCE: 'What?'
MARGARET: 'Oh no.'
LAWRENCE: 'You got that job?'
NICOLE: 'What is wrong?'
MARGARET: (to Nicole) 'Lawrence wanted to apply for the job as host of "Chef Surprise", but someone beat him to the punch. And we had no idea it was George, until now!'
LAWRENCE: (to George) 'You stole my dream job! And now I know it's you, we'll never speak to you again!'
MARGARET: (to Nicole) 'And to think I was gonna be best friends with the likes of you! Come on Penny, let's go!'
They left and dragged Penny away with them. Bentley gasped, realising what was happening.
GEORGE: 'That's it Bentley, as long as we stay here, you're not allowed to talk with Penny. Her parents are a bad influence.'
BENTLEY: 'But Dad…'
NICOLE: 'I am sorry. Sey are just trouble. And if you hang around with seir daughter, that will lead to more trouble.'
BENTLEY: (thinking to himself) 'Oh no. This is exactly what happened to Romeo and Juliet. Our parents are now in a family feud.'

THE SNEER MANSION
Cyril walked into the office, holding his "Big Buck Award" trophy.
CYRIL: 'Those Pigs did a good job polishing this trophy. Now I can put it back in the trophy case.'
Sophia walked in.
SOPHIA: 'Cyril, have you seen Cedric?'
CYRIL: 'I thought he was with Bert at their clubhouse. Why?'
SOPHIA: 'Because one of his friends from "Young Aardvarks Summer Camp" was on the phone about three minutes ago.'
CYRIL: 'Well, if it's an important phone call, I'd suggest you go and tell him. That is if he's still at the club house.'
SOPHIA: 'Thanks Cyril. Bye.'
She left.

OUTSIDE THE RACCOONS' HOME
Bentley was sitting on his own, looking up at the sunset, with tears in his eyes. Lisa and Michelle watched from a distance.
LISA: 'He's been like that ever since dad said he wasn't allowed to see Penny again.'
MICHELLE: 'That's terrible. And the argument was all over…?'
LISA: 'My dad getting the job on "Chef Surprise".'
MICHELLE: 'Ouch. But we can't let them forbid their children from seeing each other. We need to help them.'
LISA: 'I agree. But how?'
MICHELLE: 'We'll arrange a play date somewhere.'
LISA: 'How about at your home. That's a better place than any.'
MICHELLE: 'Right. And I'll go cheer Bentley up.'
She walked up to Bentley.
MICHELLE: 'Hey Bentley. How would you like to come over and play "Ty the Tasmanian Tiger Two"?'
BENTLEY: 'I'm too depressed to play.'
MICHELLE: 'Look Bentley, we really care about you, and Penny. And we're gonna find a way to end this feud that's just started.'
BENTLEY: 'Really, because dad was really mad, and so was Penny's father.'
MICHELLE: 'I'm sure we'll find a way. But for now, I am offering you a chance to play on my X-Box and get your mind off the worrying.'
She held out her hand.
BENTLEY: (taking Michelle's hand) 'Okay.'

THE NEXT DAY: THE SNEER MANSION
Cyril was walking past the trophy case in the hallway, then all of a sudden he turned back, and looked at the trophy case, and noticed something. There weren't any trophies in the trophy case
CYRIL: 'My trophies are all gone! PIGS!!!'
There was no answer. Then all of a sudden, he heard the door bell.
CYRIL: 'Do I have to do everything myself?'
He marched up to the door, and answered it. It was Bert.
BERT: 'Hey Cyril.'
CYRIL: 'Oh no, not you. Cedric's not here. He and Sophia have gone out for the day.'
BERT: 'What's wrong, Cyril?'
CYRIL: 'If you must know, I have been robbed.'
BERT: 'What? (Looks around) What did they steal?'
CYRIL: 'I'll show you.'
He lead Bert up to the trophy case.
CYRIL: 'Now what do you see?'
BERT: 'An empty trophy case?'
CYRIL: 'Exactly. I had about twenty trophies in there, including my "Big Buck Awards" trophy, and now they're all gone. And those bacon brains have disappeared as well.'
BERT: 'The Pigs? Maybe they took the trophies to get polished, and surprise you.'
CYRIL: 'That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. I am calling the police. You stay here and help me.'
BERT: 'You can count on me - Bert Raccoon, Ace Detective.'
CYRIL: 'It looks like I have no choice. Now I'm gonna go call the police.'

TEN MINUTES LATER
Two police officers were investigating. One was a raccoon who looked like Bert. And the other was a cigar smoking aardvark, who looked like Cyril. Cyril walked up to them.
CYRIL: 'So, Officer Aardvark. Found anything?'
AARDVARK: 'Not yet. We're still conducting an investigation.'
RACCOON: 'So, where's that employee of yours?'
CYRIL: 'The raccoon? He's no employee of mine. And he said something about getting a sandwich.'
BERT: (running up to Cyril) 'Hey I'm back. Now I'm ready for anything.'
CYRIL: 'Too late. The police are already here.'
AARDVARK: 'Okay Mr. Sneer. We've completed our investigation, and have come to the conclusion that you were robbed.'
CYRIL: 'Robbed? I think that's pretty obvious. Why do you think I called you here in the first place?'
RACCOON: 'That's not necessarily so. Your employees might have taken the trophies to get polished, and surprise you on their hard work.'
BERT: (to Cyril) 'Hey that's what I said.'
AARDVARK: (to Raccoon) 'Will you drop it! Mr. Sneer was robbed!'
RACCOON: 'Well, I'm hungry, you guys got any peanut butter?'
BERT: (amazed) 'Who loves peanut butter?'
RACCOON: 'Officer Raccoon loves peanut butter.'
BERT: 'Is it true?'
RACCOON: 'I do I do I do-oo-oh.'
Bert and Officer Raccoon started dancing, then all of a sudden…
CYRIL/ AARDVARK: (to the Raccoons) 'Will you stop it!'
BERT: 'All he wanted was some peanut butter.'
CYRIL: 'I am aware of that, Raccoon. Painfully aware.'

MICHELLE'S HOME
Michelle opened the door, and let Penny in.
MICHELLE: 'Penny, I'm glad you made it.'
PENNY: 'Thanks for arranging this. I don't know what my life would be without Bentley.'
MICHELLE: 'Well, I hope your parents will be able to work something out.'

THE RACCOONS' HOME
George and Nicole were talking with Margaret and Lawrence.
LAWRENCE: 'Have you two seen Penny?'
GEORGE: 'Honestly I haven't.'
LAWRENCE: 'Wait a minute. Where's your kid?'
NICOLE: 'I don't know.'
Lisa walked towards the Raccoons' home, then she saw the other Raccoons, and quickly turned around and began to walk away.
NICOLE: 'Lisa. Get over here, young lady.'
LISA: 'Oh boy.'
She walked up to the other raccoons.
GEORGE: 'Where's your brother?'
LAWRENCE: 'And where's my daughter?'
MARGARET: 'They're together, aren't they?'
LISA: 'I… I…'
NICOLE: 'If you don't tell us where sey are right now, you are so grounded.'
Lisa sighed, realising she was beaten.

MICHELLE'S HOUSE
Bentley and Penny were playing the carts game on "Ty 2". Bentley was playing as Ty, and Penny was playing as Shazza. Michelle watched them from a distance.
PENNY: 'Hey, I'm winning.'
BENTLEY: 'Not until I catch up with you.'
The door swung open and George and Lawrence stormed in.
MICHELLE: 'Oh no.'
LAWRENCE: 'Penny Raccoon!'
GEORGE: 'Bentley Raccoon!'
Both Bentley and Penny gasped.
GEORGE: 'You're grounded, young man!'
LAWRENCE: 'And as for you, Penny. We can't take it anymore, living with someone who stole my spotlight on Knox TV!'
PENNY: 'But Dad…'
LAWRENCE: 'Don't "but dad" me, young lady. You're gonna be spending a lot of time, packing your bags. We leave the Evergreen Forest tonight.'
Penny and Bentley gasped.
LAWRENCE: 'And we are never coming back!'
He grabbed Penny by the arm, and dragged her away.
PENNY: 'Bentley!'
Bentley tried running after Penny, but George was holding him back.
BENTLEY: 'Penny!'
GEORGE: 'Listen, Bentley. Her father is bad news, and I don't want him being mean to you. I'm sorry.'
Bentley got loose, and ran to Michelle crying, as she hugged him, looking mad towards the other raccoons who had just left her home.

EVERGREEN LAKE
Lisa and Michelle sat by the Evergreen Lake.
LISA: 'This is terrible. I wish I could think of something that can make both fathers happy.'
MICHELLE: 'Their feud was over the cooking show, right?'
LISA: 'Right.'
MICHELLE: 'So, how about they work together on the cooking show?'
LISA: 'Now that sounds like a good compromise. But how are we gonna make it happen?'
BONNERVILLE: (from a distance) 'Um, I may be able to help you there. Mr. Knox is my uncle after all.'
Lisa and Michelle smiled at each other.

THE SNEER MANSION
MUSIC SCENE: CURTIS KING JR: Missing It (starting from the first verse)
Officer Raccoon and Officer Aardvark, and Bert and Cyril searched around outside Sneer Mansion, trying to find any clues to the robbery.
END OF MUSIC SCENE

They all met up at the lobby.
AARDVARK: 'We've completed our investigation, and came up with nothing.'
CYRIL: (sarcastically) 'Brilliant. Now I have three missing employees and a number of missing trophies. What else could happen?'
Cyril's limo arrived, and the Pigs leaped out, carrying trophies. They stopped when they saw angry Bert, Cyril and the police officers.
LLOYD: 'Oh no.'
FLOYD: 'Am I seeing double?'
AARDVARK: 'You pork chops are under arrest for stealing.'
RACCOON: 'Yeah, stealing.'
PIGS: 'S-S-S-Stealing?'
CYRIL: 'Hold on a moment Officers. (To the Pigs) What have you three been up to, with my trophies?'
FLOYD: 'We got them polished, Sir.'
BERT: 'Ha, I was right.'
RACCOON: 'Me too.'
Both Cyril and Officer Aardvark pulled on their ears and screamed.

BLUE SPRUCE CAFE
Lisa and Michelle were talking with Schaeffer.
LISA: 'I wanna thank you for using your café to settle this family feud.'
SCHAEFFER: 'You're welcome, Lisa. As long it doesn't end in bloodshed, like in Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet".
He giggled at his little joke and left the main room. Bentley walked in, followed by George.
BENTLEY: 'I thought one of Schaeffer's smoothies would get your mind off things.'
GEORGE: 'I hope you're right, Bentley.'
A few minutes later, Penny walked in, followed by Lawrence.
LAWRENCE: 'I don't know why you dragged me to this place again…'
He saw George at a table, and George saw him.
GEORGE/ LAWRENCE: (to each other) 'You!'
LAWRENCE: (to Penny) 'What is the meaning of this, young lady? You set me up.'
LISA: (raising her hand) 'Actually, Michelle and I set this up. In case you hadn't noticed, Bentley and Penny are in love with each other. And you two shouldn't let your prejudice get in the way. Besides, I thought you enjoyed your job at that restaurant near the forest.'
LAWRENCE: 'My boss is a nightmare. And when I heard they needed a host for "Chef Surprise", I thought I'd be the perfect presenter. And when I went to apply, I learnt someone else got the job. I never watched the show, because I didn't want to know who stole my dream. Until I ran into him here, (points at him) George Raccoon.'
LISA: 'Well, thanks to Mr. Knox's nephew, we were able to work something out.'
She gestured at a door, and it opened. Mr. Knox stepped into the room.
MR. KNOX: 'Good evening. George Raccoon, Lawrence Raccoon, I think I have a solution to your problem. Why don't you two work together on Chef Surprise? And if that doesn't please you, then George can have a segment one week, and Lawrence can have a segment the other week. That way you two won't have anything to argue over. I mean take a look at Cyril Sneer and myself. We used to argue, and now we are the best of friends, fighting against pollution.'
GEORGE: (to Lawrence) 'Well, Lawrence? What do you think? We each do a show per fortnight, with me doing one week and you doing the other? What do you say?'
He held out his hand. Bentley and Penny both looked at each other with anticipation.
LAWRENCE: (shaking George's hand) 'It's a deal.'
They all cheered, and Michelle and Schaeffer stepped out of the back room.
SCHAEFFER: 'Now this is a more happier ending.'
MICHELLE: 'It sure is. Hey Bentley, Penny! Love forever!'
She gave them a thumbs up, and Bentley and Penny gave Michelle a thumbs up back. Then they hugged each other.

OUTSIDE THE BLUE SPRUCE CAFE
NARRATOR: 'That night, the feud between George and Lawrence ended. And from that point, they became the best of friends, who wish for their children to be happy, and not come between them.'

THE SNEER MANSION
The trophies were all back in the trophy display case, and Cyril looked at the pigs.
CYRIL: 'All right Pigs, listen up! I do not want anymore surprises, that drive me to the wrong conclusion, like what happened today! Capishe?!'
PIGS: 'Y-Y-Yes Sir. Capishe capishe.'
They ran off. Then Cyril heard the doorbell ring.
CYRIL: 'Now who could that be?'
He answered the door, and saw Mr. Perkins.
CYRIL: 'Who are you?'
MR. PERKINS: 'I am Mr. Perkins. Substitute teacher of Evergreen Elementary. Can you direct me to Mr. Bentley Raccoon, and Miss Penny Raccoon's homes. I have their homework for them.'
As he talked Cyril got hit in the face with spit.
CYRIL: 'Pigs!'
The Pigs ran up to him.
PIGS: 'Yes Boss?'
CYRIL: 'Take Bentley and Penny's substitute teacher to their homes, immediately!'
PIGS: 'Yes Boss.'
They left with Mr. Perkins.
CYRIL: (wiping his face clean) 'This has been the worst day of my life.'


THE END


MUSIC
CURTIS KING JR: Missing It
LISA LOUGHEED: Run With Us


12.2.2010